I really haven’t updated this blog for the longest time. There’s a fair bit of entries that I have to put up, but before I do that, maybe just a brief update. It is a little personal, and I made it vague because reasonz, but here goes.
For the longest time, almost two years, I was a total mess emotionally over some issues. I was functional and I did not appear sad most of the time; I was still the same old me when I was out with friends. But it was a constant thought in my mind, a constant thing that brought me down, and it affected me far worse than it ought to. Endless nights. Depressing thoughts and what-ifs that kept haunting me.
In late 2012, I took a break to distance myself from the shit. I stopped going out with my friends, except for a few close ones. I deleted my Facebook. I started running more than I usually did. I spent a lot of time helping out during my company’s events, more than I should. I spent a lot of time alone, read a lot.
It was hell but I would not say it was bad for me. Even though it was one of my most depressing periods in my brief, 24-year life… I learnt to let go of a lot of small stuff, picked up guitar again, made new friends, realised how much my friends cared for me, and improved myself. I hope, anyway.
I’m much better now. With distance comes perspective and detachment. Eventually, I even reached a resolution. And I have not felt this free for two years. 🙂
It takes the bad to appreciate the good, and I have learnt to be grateful for the friends I have, the wonderful people I am surrounded with, how lucky I truly am. I have a family that’s one of the sweetest I know. I have friends whom I know will always get my back. I have wonderful colleagues.
I know it sounds damn corny and it sounds like I am one of those super irritating hyper happy people. Which isn’t true – I get irritated at the smallest of things and the things I am insecure about can wreck me up for days. But I have learnt to appreciate things that are going well.
So if you have been a part of my life, thank you, for making me the way I am today. You may have made my day better in one way or another and I may not mention it, you may not know it, but you did.
Can I stay this positive forever? I’m not sure. One of my deepest fears is that I will be back in the same pit I was in those two years. But I will do my utmost not to backslide into that shithole again. Another one of my fears is that I will lose what I am grateful for. That I have no control over, so I just want all my family and friends to know that I love them, and I treasure my time with them… 🙂
_________________
Hard times have helped me see
I’m a good man with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough start
But I finally learned to let it go
Now I’m right here and I’m right now
And I’m open knowing somehow
That my shadow days are over
My shadow days are over now
ally chua 